Again.
By the coworker that I was seeing for 3 months.
I've known it was coming for a while, but 4 days after I get mugged & the night before I have to catch an early flight to Cali?

I think the universe is telling me something.
Like my life is pointless, always will be, there's obviously nothing to look forward to, and I should just give up.
Now.

Awesome, right?
The bastard knocked me to the ground as I was coming home from an SAE grad party on Friday night. He got my iPhone and my wallet and the whole right side of my forehead is a bloody, scraped-up mess. My whole body hurts and I won't be able to afford a new phone for a long time. Lord knows I won't be able to buy another iPhone, which sucks, because I was really enjoying it.
I looked through mug shots today & picked a guy who looked like the right guy. Turns out he's already been charged with assault once & lives right up the street- ON THE SAME STREET as me.
I just hope it's the right guy.
I want my phone back & I'm kind of pissed that my face will be a mess for a while.
I really needed this. Seriously. Great fucking distraction from the other shit that I'm dealing with right now.

mood: pissed off

This has not been a good month & a half.
I went to CA to help my mom out while she recovered from hand surgery in November. It was nice seeing her, but, sadly, I was useless for 2 of the 5 days because I got the flu for the first time in my 29 years of life.
When I got home from the airport, my key wouldn't work in the front door of the building. The lock broke and I had to call a locksmith at 1am. That ran over $300 for some stupid reason. Even better? Landlord won't help out with it. Even though it was the building's front door, not my apartment front door. When my rent was late due to this extra expense, he was less than understanding.
I also noticed that one of my cats wasn't eating. The other one hadn't been eating as much before I left for CA, but my boy STOPPED. He went from 15 lbs to MAYBE 7lbs in about a week. 2 days in ICU, 3 total at the vet hospital, 2 weeks of a feeding tube and about $4,000 later, the little shit is doing much better. Zara (the other kitty) stopped eating for a while too and I was force feeding her. I couldn't afford to take her to the vet at all. I also had to cancel my trip to CA for Christmas because I was afraid they'd be too sick for me to leave. Now I'm working through our 2 week holiday break. Again.
I am now UTTERLY financially fucked for at least the next year.
I eat a lot of beans. Like WAY too many. They're cheap. We had a TON of food left over from our office holiday party and I was SO looking forward to it. Our cleaning people, in their infinite wisdom, threw away at LEAST $70 worth of food and drinks. This stuff was in the fridge, labeled, and some of it in tupperware. They threw that away too. Sooooo, now I'm out food AND tupperware.
Our holiday "bonus" was basically the party food & an extra $100 on our paycheck. Taxed, of course. They even give our idiot cleaning people & incompetent building management $100 in cash. WTF.
As for my relationship status- I'm sick of having to hide my relationships with people. I'm sick of hearing about the neurotic former lover with 3 other guys on the side, whom I have to see at work on a daily basis. I'm sick of hearing about how nice it is that he's no longer her fucking lapdog and can therefore enjoy being her friend again. I'm sick of not being loved.
But hey. At least I seem to be a good rebound fuck, right? Glad to be of service.
I have been lonely and financially screwed for years. I have a job that I love that may pay me next to nothing forever. I go home to a cold, empty flat most nights. I have burnt out light bulbs & broken fixtures in my apartment that I can't reach and shit I need to fix, but am to physically weak & girly to handle on my own. I hate looking in the mirror more & more every day. I'm really really tired.
I know this sounds like petty shit compared to what some people deal with, but I feel like it's been a high level of petty shit my whole life. It really started hitting me in 2005 when I was diagnosed with the herniated disc in my neck & couldn't move for 5 days & didn't have a job. I hit a low that I never quite recovered from. As much of an adventure as life has been since then, I've found it less & less worth living. I totally understand how years of feeling like this can wear a person down to nothing like it did my dad & D. That scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid it's just not going to stop and at some point I'm not going to be able to take it anymore. The stupid thing is, I can't be the best I can be at my job or expect anyone to want me if I feel like this. I don't want much out of life. I'd like a good partner/lover/friend who will fuck me over less than previous ones have, enough income to survive without being in panic mode all the time (which isn't a lot, really), and a body that doesn't constantly feel like it's been hit by a car.

Sorry if I pissed on anyone's holiday cheer. LJ is my only outlet for this kind of thing anymore.

mood: depressed

Let me preface this by saying I have had an AWESOMELY good day.
I got up, voted, was in & out of the poles in 15 minutes, and saw not only the outcome I wanted, but probably the most historic event of my lifetime.
I'm head over heels about someone who feels the same way and it's just getting stronger.
My bank refunded a bunch of fees that they actually admitted shouldn't have been taken from me.

I've had a big, hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and cherries. All. Day. Long.
Then someone pooped on it. Just a little, though.

Anyhoo, I made my admittedly snotty comment about Palin, the sad beauty queen, and I get a message from someone who I knew when I was a very young teenager. He was inappropriately older than I and as far as I know he sits in a bedroom in his parent's house writing bad sci-fi with the hopes that he'll someday get a TV show.
38 is MUCH too old to be sitting in mom & dad's house writing fanfic.

Here's what he wrote:

Dear Laura,

So sad that in a humbling yet honorable and gracious defeat and amidst a historic, transformative and noble victory, you should choose not to embrace the true message and promise of change, but cling to the gloating petty partisanship and personal attacks that have strangled this nation for so long. It makes you no better than those you profess to despise. Revel in the moment, embrace the change you so passionately believe in by being someone who truly acts in a manner consistent with those beliefs.

I know you disagree with her vehemently, but you don’t need to be disrespectful. You’re better than that.

Congratulations on a truly magnificent and historic election.
Have a wonderful night,
Take care, stay safe, love.
john
---,--‘-{@


Fuck. Right. Off.

I stopped talking to him years ago because he got all preachy with me about some tasteful, yet semi-nude pics he somehow found online. Since I wasn't talking to him really at the time he found these pics, I have to assume he was net-stalking me and LOOKING for things online. He sent me a myspace email telling me how disappointed he was that I was "going down that path" and he knew how dangerous it was because he used to be a bouncer at a strip club.
At the time I had graduated from SAE, was working for a large, successful music production house, had a great social life, and had taken the pics because I ENJOYED IT.
Better to go down ANY path than to sit at home, pushin' 40 & trying to ignore the sound of your elderly mother's voice nagging you to do the dishes.

Honestly. Where do people get off? And WHY oh WHY did I know such creepy, socially inept people when I was 14?!??


I'm going to go brush the poop of my sundae so I can continue to enjoy it.
And now, back to my happy thoughts. :-)

place: Home mood: Happy and Annoyed sound: Gilgongo

I think my favorite part so far (besides the actual outcome) was seeing Palin with tears in her eyes and a sad little smile looking like the poor bitch who just came in second in the beauty pageant.

mood: ecstatic

Every time things get remotely calm, I manage to find a way to make things very much not calm.
Decidedly chaotic, in fact.

I'm feeling a bit apocalyptic right now.
It may be because I should start bleeding any minute now.
It may be because I, for some reason, volunteered to work a 16 hour day that started with a high school career fair (at a high school, with lots of high school students).
I could just be getting a bit squirrely from having worked about 12 hours so far.
It could be several other things.
One big, stupid thing in particular.
So big & stupid, in fact, that I have not told LJ or my mother.
I tell EVERYTHING to my mom & probably too much to LJ.
Yeah. That big & stupid.

Could someone please come finish my shift for me?
And bring a xanax & a martini pls.

kthx

place: SAE mood: discontent sound: Oddly very little for an audio school.

Dear friends,

PBS has an online poll asking if Sarah Palin is qualified to serve as Vice President of the United States.

Apparently the right wing knew about this in advance and are flooding the voting with YES votes.

The poll will be reported on PBS and picked up by mainstream media. It can influence undecided voters in swing states.

Please do two things – it takes 20 seconds:

1) Click on the link and vote yourself: http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll-435.html

2) The send this to every single Obama-Biden voter you know, and urge them to vote and pass it on.

The last thing we need is PBS saying their viewers think Sarah Palin is qualified.

Right now the poll is split about 50/50!

Thank you!!!

place: Bushwick mood: determined sound: Car alarm

I rarely have 2 days off in a row. I was actually off Saturday afternoon through Tuesday. I hardly knew what to do with myself.
After work on Saturday I went to Whole Foods & the Union Sq farmer's market & got lots of wonderfully healthy food. Fantastic after eating canned beans for so many months. This raise I got really kicked in nicely!
Sunday I went to dinner with my friend James. Lovely, as usual. We went to a little French place near his house on the LES and had some rather nice wine & several small plates of Frenchy dishes.
I went on a date with a guy a couple weeks ago that seemed nice enough to see again. He called me during dinner, so I ended up having a couple drinks with him later that night. That was a rather disastrous second date. It was ok until we decided to hang out at my house after drinks. We started watching a movie & cuddling & intermittent making out commenced. Suddenly he stopped & decided to tell me about how he wasn't sure if he was emotionally available because he wasn't over his ex. I turned into a therapist & talked him through a bunch of stuff as if I were a pseudo-psychologist on a radio station. Then we kind of ran out of things to say, so he asked me to put on some music & we started passing out on my couch. By this time it was 5:30 in the morning & he apparently had to be somewhere for a study session at 10am, so I told him he could just crash at my house even though he lived 2 train stops away. I wasn't trying to get frisky, mind you, just trying to be nice. He was oddly apprehensive & kept asking if this was weird. I just said "No, it's not weird. It's just late. We both need sleep. That's it". He finally got into bed next to me, both of us fully clothed, and put his arm around me & started trying to get frisky again. I told him we didn't have to do anything, we just both needed sleep. After some INCREDIBLY awkward making out & groping, I said I thought that this wasn't the best time to be doing this & he just cuddled up to me. When we woke up he told me he was apprehensive about staying over (well, duh) and that he was planning on either going home or sleeping on my (rather uncomfortable) couch. Then he decided that it might be nice to just have me cuddle up & put my head on his chest. It's been about 8 months since he'd had affection from a woman. I can understand that, but good LORD does this boy have issues. He over-thinks things to a ridiculous point. I guess that'll happen if you're a post-grad philosophy student. He's the second man with (almost) a PhD in Philosophy I've dated. The other one was gorgeous, in his 40's, had the similar odd disciplinary habits (both into martial arts, odd eating habits- this one's a recent vegan, quite fond of drinking, and very much living in his own mind with the company of a bunch of dead philosophers), and worked for the British Philosophical Society. Now THAT man was a stellar lover. This one is too unsure of himself & I don't think he would be (I haven't really tried yet- probably won't at this point).
Anyway, it was weird. I attract freaks.
Monday I found out my mom has to have surgery on her hand & she wants me to come take care of her for a couple days. Her surgery was originally scheduled for Halloween, which sucked, but I was willing. Then we figured out that I would miss election day if I stayed as long as she wanted me to, so she rescheduled for the following week. What a good mom. I was so bored that I invited my ex over for dinner. We enjoyed each other. No fighting. First time we haven't fought in months. I don't want my ex back, but I do want my friend back. Looks like that might happen. I passed out way too early after he left & probably slept for 14 hours.
Tuesday I did practically nothing. I cleaned up a bit. I was going stir crazy, so I left the house for no reason. Got coffee & some onions for dinner (the onions for dinner, the coffee for being awake.) Got home. Attempted to make candied ginger because I got a bigass bag of fresh ginger for only $1. Made roast beets for dinner (actually quite good!). I tried to watch videos online, but my stolen internet connection was being wonky, so I started reading a book called The Leather Daddy & The Femme. James had given it to me a year ago & I never read it. I got through the entire thing in one sitting & at the end found myself wanting to revive my former kinky, fetishey, sexually open self. I've become so dull- the part of my brain that wants to settle down & nest has taken over the insatiable sex goddess that I was when I was younger. I miss it. No wonder I can't get laid.
Sooo......For some reason I couldn't sleep at all last night. 4:30 came around and I started getting panicky about waking up in the morning, so my dumb ass took a Tylenol PM. Just one. I woke up at 10am to my phone ringing. The receptionist was calling to see where I was. Fucking stupid. I hate being late.
3 days off is really too much for me. I mean, unless I have something to do. I really shouldn't be left to my own devices.

place: Work mood: blah sound: Really dull student project song

( Cut for your convenience. I'm sick of listening to me bitch too. )

I don't think I was really going anywhere with this. I suppose that's good, because nowhere is where I ended up.

place: Work mood: lonely sound: Quiet, rumbling building noise

For those of you who don't know, I'm an instructor/supervisor at an audio technology school.
The audio world, from what I understand, has always been a boy's club. It still is to some extent.
As you can imagine, my school is a testosterone-saturated sword fight.
I think we have roughly 8 girls out of our student body of roughly 150. There are generally two types of girls here- the flirty social butterflies who know they can charm the pants off of anyone, and the ones that are a bit awkward and tend to stick with other awkward girls. I was somewhere in the middle, but mostly on the awkward tomboyish side. The student body was much smaller when I was a student & there were fewer girls, but my class had 3 girls- a LOT for that time. One girl in my class was the social butterfly. The other one was a short, round baptist gospel singer named Tamika. She ended up being my lab partner until she dropped out towards the end.
We were an odd pair- me, frequently in full goth regalia going to fetish clubs and her, a self-professed sweet, innocent church-going virgin. We got along fabulously somehow and we adored each other. I was very technically-minded and could help her with console signal flow, electronics, MIDI and such. She had the voice of an angel and proved to be an amazing vocal coach and inspiration to me. We balanced each other and together made an odd, extreme and wonderful yin-yang.
I have a pair of girls, less extreme, but just as awkward and dependent on each other as Tamika and I were. They've put an astounding number of lab hours in, studied fastidiously, but still have been timid and second-guessed themselves on every skills test I've given them.
I gave them both one of the more difficult one-on-one skills tests today and they performed beautifully.
I've seen them get upset, not trust their own knowledge, even get a bit choked up in tests. They've actually lost points on tests for not trusting their own judgment. Each and every time I've told them that I've seen how hard they work and how well they've done on projects and that they should trust themselves because they know the material.
They seemed so confident today and did so well. I just wanted to hug both of them after their tests, but I try to steer clear of that kind of thing with students, seeing as how most of them are boys.
They've done so well by sticking together and I really miss having that kind of relationship with another woman.
I'm just so pleased with these girls right now. I love seeing them progress past so many of the boys in their class.
It may be a tough industry to get into, but I have a feeling it won't be any tougher for these two just because they're "girls".

mood: Proud

I have a big, stupid crush on a boy. I swear to god, rebound crushes are a million times worse than breaking up with someone in the first place. You feel unworthy and like nobody will ever want you again. It's hard to come off as witty, brilliant and sexy when you've been told regularly for nearly a year how much you need to change EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR PERSONALITY.
I had a great time with this guy on Wednesday. He was sweet, interesting.....and I talked too much because I was nervous. As usual. F'ing moron I am. I was nervous until Friday when he finally emailed me asking me what my schedule was like. He's in the process of getting a PhD, so he's got a weird schedule. Fine! I have a weird schedule too, so I told him when I was free. I got a response saying "we'll have to leave things up in the air for now". Granted, he DID email me and say he had a great time. Even the response email was nice, but I can't tell if I'm being blown off. The man is a vegan non-smoker. What the hell could I possibly have to offer him anyway?
I've been hating myself for every little thing I think may have been a turn-off on Wednesday night.
So, I walked 2 miles to a taco truck, got a steak taco (i rarely eat meat- my diet is almost vegan & I've mostly been a veggi for 8 years with the exception of sushi here & there) and a pack of cigarettes. Even though I told myself that he would be a good motivation to NOT buy another pack because I really REALLY would like to not smoke.
Fuck men. Animals taste good. I know my pack of cigarettes will be there for me when I need them.
At least my ex is faring well. He's at a fucking Nick Cave show right now, probably having a blast.
Who needs Nick Cave when you have an apartment full of cats and cigarettes, right?

mood: depressed

I told her to look sad for the pic so she'd tug at someone's heartstrings just enough for them to give her a home.
She takes direction very well.

mood: Kitty

I'm all buzzy & weird right now.
It's been a very odd week. Emotionally & physically draining.
I've been slightly headachy & not feeling well all week, had a very long & interesting night last night (which I will probably explain at some point soon) and have worked all nights.
I have no purpose at work today other than giving one 2 hour skills test at the end of my day. The other 6 hours feel like a waste. I've been trying to look useful all day while not actually being useful & feeling slightly hungover. It's like purgatory.
I'm also reading a really interesting Tom Robbins book right now. For some reason it's adding to my buzzy, weird desperation to do something, ANYTHING other than what I'm doing right now. I have a very intense desperation to change something or to fix something. I just don't know what that something is.
I just kind of want to get on the train & read my book, then lay in my bed, stare at the ceiling & fantasize. Not about anything sexual necessarily, just daydream. I don't know. Maybe a sexual fantasy wouldn't be so bad.
I wish I had the energy to go home & clean instead, but I have no inclination to be useful right now.

Oh. And I found a kitten. 3am wandering around my train stop. She's cute & grey & has a patch of calico on her left eye. I can't keep her, but she needed rescuing. She's super affectionate & playful.
If you know anyone that wants a kitten, tell them I have one.

mood: weird

From The San Luis Obispo Tribune 9/21/08
Letters to the Editor

Want to talk elitist?
Recently it has become quite fashonable to call Barack and Michelle Obama elitists.
I think, however, it is quite time to point out some of the fashion seen at the recent Republican convention:

* Cindy McCain's Oscar de la Renta dress: $3,000.

* Her Chanel J12 white ceramic watch: $4,500.

* Her three-carat diamond earrings: $280,000.

* Her four-strand pear necklace: $11,000-$25,000.

* Shoes, designer unknown: $600.

Total: Between $299,100 and $313,100.

Having the gall to wear an outfit more expensive than the cost of most Americans' homes and still calling your opponent and his wife an elitist: priceless.

Justin Pheley
Los Osos

place: Herald Square mood: amused sound: 1604 Mixdown

Things have not been timed well.

Was taken out for a drinks after work by a sympathetic coworker who is aware of my situation and a sympathetic former student who became a friend and is also aware of my situation.
My diet consists of 1 to 2 containers of yogurt, a can of beans, and 3 tortillas per day.
Exactly.
Not much to pad 5 drinks with.
I just pulled my head out of the toilet and I feel like I might die.


Oh, yeah.
And I have an interview tomorrow with a NYC public school.


Someone please come kill me in my sleep.

place: Bushwick mood: sick sound: Everything is too loud

I'm single.
Again.

mood: sad